Lansdowne

casserole

I will keep my love in a Casserole
Its a wonderful thing they have made
Its Insulated
It will keep it hot and warm
amazinngly fresh
I will serve it hot when she comes home
I can see her smacking her lips
why didnot I tell you all along
my love its chickensoup for your battered soul
Thankyou Thankyou Casserole

Morning Glory

I didnot want to wake up...and wanted to ignore the nagging voice which kept on telling You got to go! ... You have got things to do.

I didnot want to lose... wake up from the make believe world of the dream which kept on lingering over me like a blanket...I could still feel the warmth of a body next to me...may be not the body but the warmth and I was afraid to find out...I wanted to make believe that she was there.

I pushed my body upwards and then my head was hanging out of the bed and even though my eyes were closed the world around me was suddenly submerged in a warm golden liquid... like honey.

I opened my eyes and the gleaming sunlight of the morning greeted me.

Its the same sunlight which I had seen yesterday afternoon on the old man's face. He was very old, above 70, frail, bald, bearded, fair(I think he is from Germany ... visiting the campus). He was riding a bicycle, in the carrier there was a ripe papaya and bags full of fruits were hanging from the handle bar and he was kind of sweavering a bit ... struggling to keep balance. There was a smile in his face he was happy... excited, talking to himself and fluttering like a bird anxious to go back home. I wondered why he was so happy ... has he bought all the fruits for his grand child... or may be its for his ailing wife recovering and that is why he is in a hurry to get back to her ... to be by her side... the fruits to nurse her back to health...

Or may be just that he knows these are his last days and he is happy to be alive and savour the winter afternoon and he is excited because he likes the idea of going to his room sit on an armchair in the garden and enjoy eating the fruits. I saw the warm sunlight falling on his face bathing him ... and his face looked radiant... it was much more than the sunlight which made it so ... it was the happiness in him.

I felt happy too ... because I felt the presence of someone next to me. Someone... may be who has just gone ... the warmth of her body still there in the bed... I was afraid to turn my head and break the spell. I lay there with my head bending downwards the warm glow of the winter sun falling on my face.

I wanted to die happy like this. When you are this happy you know it cannot last. The only satisfactory thing to happen is to die then.

I lie in bed and think of death ... the warmth in the bed is gone and I am tired of pretending to wait for 'her' to come back. There is no 'she' there is no 'she' there was no 'she' to start with so 'She' will not come back.

I am afraid now the spell will break. My mind conjures up a scenario to rescue me from drowning in the emptiness which threatens to drown me.

She has died. I realise she is not breathing anymore. She has died in her sleep. Her eyes closed with a smile on her parted lips... looks so alive!... her lips which was always so full of life. I brush away the white hair which fell on her face ... hold her face in my palms ... she still looks like a baby ... vulnerable just as when I first met her... her hair was black then...she will wake up now ... a quizzical look in her eyes as she squints and tries to find out where she is ... moaning like a baby... then break into a lazy smile as she realises she is with me ...complain... make a throaty sound ...drift back into sleep.

Only that she will never wake up from the sleep again. I remember we had a drink last night ... it was a Ouzo. I remember there would be some left. I cover her with the quilt ... I will get up from the bed open the cupboard ... there would be plenty of tranquilizer I know ... she will never need them again...she has gone into eternal sleep. I dont have to worry about it again.

I will have one last drink with you then... I kept my promise... I was there till the end... just as I said ... I will see you through. It was a good life wasnot it ? I tried... hope you didnot have much to complain... I had none. I will have a drink with you now ... to celebrate and then slowly lie down next to you. Hide my face in your bosom... I want to sleep now... dissolve...

Cold Comfort

Day before yesterday I was sleeping in my room and had a terrible headache. I was lying in my cold hard bed and suddenly I had this feeling that my life is haunted.

The cold comfort of a hard bed is something I have never complained of. As a matter of fact I have always been proud of my spartan lifestyle ... and the pretension of being strong ... that I kind of do not need anyone.

That's why that nights experience is all the more strange.

Suddenly i felt all the books in the cupboards they are ghosts ... old ladies who have come out of their graves and they are trying to entice me to embrace them.

They were hauntingly beautiful and evade me whenever I got too close...like a shadow which never leaves you but which you can never catch. Then there was this voice inside me warning me of their true nature...a premonition ... that if and when I manage to touch them, I would feel a cold wooden sensation ...empty ... a void perhaps and suddenly I was very afraid. As if I have been chasing a mirage all through out.

I started wondering if they have not enticed me and kept me captive and will suck my youth out of me and leave me high and dry once I loose my strength and vigour.

I was afraid and miserable and I wanted a human touch badly.

In life there are these moments and ultimately that's all probably there is to it. I cannot explain ... I envy those who can ...The whispers of someone who is talking to you thinking you are asleep, your finger touches a body and you realise its been expecting your touch and through some magic manages to pass the sensation to you, the taste of saliva mixed with tears, the gasping for breath when you are trying to kill each other, the bitter sweet smell of armpit moist with sweat, a quite content body curling up next to yours secure and you feel the rhythm of another heart next to yours

Oh these are the moments when I know I can manage to defy my mortality ... I can laugh at the face of death ... mock it... thump my chest and burst out laughing.

And there I was in my cold hard bed ... I know when I started it was alright ... I had a glimpse of something pure, perfect, immaculate, infalliable but then I guess I lost the picture ...was trying to prove a point ... got drunk with my own ability ... then chasing glory ... ambition ... started chasing mirages.

I want it back ... the purity of innocence.

I will be 35 tomorrow

and I have never been this fresh in last so many years!

No my mind works as good as it used to and my body in spite of all the neglect has stood by me. Sorry body I will look after you real good from now on. Yes I am aware of my own mortality now ... I have come to realise I have only that many fights left and only that many years before its time to go.

I have never had a childhood and a delayed prolonged adolescence which has been sticking onto me like a chewing gum. Man even I am bored of this.

Now with the sudden realisation that my youth has almost passed me by while I was wasting my time in playing a crying game, which in the first place I never was keen to play.

I have to stop this entire fuck up and straighten up this mess.

Me, in my life if I ever made up my mind about something I never failed in giving a good account of myself.

I want a life.

I have found my will back.